Heartfelt Thoughts & Tips for Navigating Birthday Parties With Food Allergies
UPDATED January, 2024
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I see you, Mama, and I know that navigating birthday parties with food allergies can be hard.
I see you making hard decisions every. single. day.
You feel like you’re finally in a bit of a rhythm with food allergies since your little one was diagnosed, but things are changing. Your little one is now being invited to birthday parties and instead of just worrying about how much money you spend on gifts, you worry about whether the party will be life-threatening or not.
That’s because you’re not just any concerned mom.
You’re a food allergy mom and even a small amount of your little’s allergens can cause a life-threatening reaction called anaphylaxis. With birthday cake, cheese puffs, or peanut butter cookies in the hands of 6-10 kids who have no idea that eating and sucking their fingers or a toy could cause food allergens to be EVERYWHERE (and even cause the dreaded, life-threatening anaphylaxis); it’s enough to cause any mom’s stress level to go over the top.
Except that MOST moms don’t have to worry about it. MANY moms are just as unaware as their littles at the party.
If you’re at the stage where you’re ready to navigate birthday parties with food allergies, keep reading. I have tips for navigating birthday parties with food allergies later in this post.
But if you’re struggling because your child is still mouthing everything in sight, I want you to know that I see you and understand.
I was once there too.
I remember the exclusion and feelings of being left out. I understand the paralyzing fear of losing your child when we’re SUPPOSED to be CELEBRATING. I remember how others thought I was being overly dramatic or didn’t believe me. I remember WANTING so badly to have a normal social life, yet knowing that at this stage, it might not happen. I know that it can be a lonely, sad time.
But I also remember the supportive ones.
The ones who would ask me how they could make the party safe for my daughter.
There weren’t many of them at first, but after many explanations, talks (and even fights with family), they started to show up. Some people WANTED to help. This touched me the most. To have somebody understand and want to help so much that they go to ALL that extra work to make things safe.
Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I feel like the words I use to thank them can’t fully express the impact they make on me.
And the ones that didn’t invite us after finding out about our food allergies?
Some of them STILL don’t get it.
On the surface, it seems that some of them still don’t care. But I tell myself they have their problems; I just don’t know what they are. Maybe they’re too blinded by their struggles that they can’t comprehend my struggles too; I don’t know. But what I do know is that remembering that everyone has problems helps me to be positive and keeps me grounded. Because we don’t know what others are walking through until we walk in their shoes.
So if you’re one of the moms who don’t join the party because of food allergies I want to encourage you with a few things. I want to give you hope and let you know that you’re NOT alone. Unfortunately, food allergies can make us feel that way a lot, but it’s not true.
Just know that…
This is a stage.
Yes, your child will likely always have food allergies, but navigating birthday parties with food allergies will get easier. With guidance, your child (and others) will learn to wash their hands and not suck on everything in sight. This will come, and even though I can’t promise that the fear will go away, it will be less because you’re teaching your child about taking care of themselves every day.
2. You’re not a victim, and neither is your child.
You’re making hard decisions that you NEED to make. And your child will need to learn how to manage food allergies. Framing it in a way that doesn’t make your child feel like a victim will help them become resilient. Remember, they don’t know anything different and we can help them overcome! The journey of parenting is hard. But you better believe that it will be rewarding too. Hold on to that hope right now.
3. Your child WILL be ok, even if they miss a birthday party or a few.
As hard as it is to say no, your child won’t be scarred. The nice thing about them being young is that they won’t even know what they’re missing. But they will know how much you love and care for them, which is what’s most important anyway.
4. Be clear about what you need.
If there was one thing that I wish I would have done more of is TALK about how things need to be done to keep my little one safe. There were times when I didn’t mention why we couldn’t come to the party because I knew that people didn’t understand.
Even though you have to pick and choose who may be ready to know more about the allergies and who isn’t in that headspace; by talking about the risks, you’re opening eyes. Even if those eyes don’t open enough to see what they need to do right now. Talking about it may not sink in right away, but it might in a few months or years. As I look back, I see that every little bit of education helps. Just take one step and one person at a time.
If you want help with navigating birthday parties with food allergies, keep reading for tips.
5. Be kind and gracious.
Just because someone doesn’t understand doesn’t mean they’re out to get you.
There were times when I honestly wanted to yell and scream. I would feel so mad when people thought I was being overprotective. But being mad didn’t accomplish much. I found that when I was gracious and kind (without expecting people to accommodate my child) I was able to teach the most. That whole saying about it being easier to attract bees with honey? True.
6. SAY YES as soon as it’s possible.
Even though I understand that navigating birthday parties with food allergies may not be safe in the beginning, I want to encourage you to say YES as soon as possible (maybe even before you feel ready).
Yes, this means you’ll have to inform the host, but this also means that you’re increasing awareness. Not only that, but it helps start your child on a path to living fully with food allergies.
Here are a few tips for safely navigating birthday parties with food allergies. For these tips, I’m assuming the invite is coming from one of your child’s friends and that you don’t know the parents well.
3 Tips For Safely Navigating Birthday Parties with Food Allergies
Decide if you will go with your child.
Only you will know whether your child is ready to be on their own at a birthday party. Feel confident in your knowledge, and decide without second guessing.
2. Talk to the host in advance.
This is one of the MOST important steps. Don’t worry, talking to the host isn’t about demanding that they make accommodations for your child. It’s more about letting them know about the food allergies, and then working out what will work best. Here are a few important things to go over.
Let them know of your child’s allergies and check if they feel comfortable with the responsibility of keeping your child safe. If you’re not going with your child, make time to train the host about the symptoms of anaphylaxis and use the EpiPen.
Ask about the food being served and if you can read the labels of each snack; or if they let you know what they will be serving, you can provide something similar, or feed your child in advance. Whatever you choose, it’s important to let the host know so they know what to expect. You could also consider providing 1 safe snack that everyone can eat so your child is eating one thing the same as everyone else.
Be sure to leave your number with the host, in case they need to get a hold of you during the party.
Want a clear, easy-to-understand email template that discusses food allergies graciously and clearly?
Try the Birthday Party Success Pack where you’ll get done-for-you RSVP templates and a checklist of everything you need to do before every birthday party or playdate. This checklist and template pack will keep you organized.
When birthday party season is especially busy, this will save you many hours and help you feel confident you won’t forget anything important.
3. Go over everything with your child.
Good allergy habits are important to work on as early as possible. Download this free Food Allergy Kids Empowerment Guide for a checklist of things to help your child attend birthday parties safely.
Before each party, remind them not to eat anything unless they have checked that it is safe. Remind them to tell an adult if they don’t feel well.
Make sure not to scare your child since you want them to enjoy the party! As hard as it is, don’t let your nerves interfere with their fun. If you’ve done the prep work, it WILL be OK. This is your child’s time to enjoy being a kid.
Conclusion
So, Mama, I hope you feel encouraged. Because even though my kids are out of the stage you’re in, I’ve been where you are. And it’s hard. But there is light at the end of the tunnel! I want you to know that YOU were chosen to be the mom to your little one because you have what’s needed to parent them, food allergies and all.
YOU CAN DO THIS! I know it feels like a big step, but I hope this post will encourage and inspire you.
