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Food Allergy Resources For Real Life Situations
Today we’re giving you a food allergy resource for real life. I saw this juicy internet question and wanted to weigh in…
My daughters ages 1 & 6 have allergies to nuts and peanuts. My brother is getting married and both he and the bride are Vegans. Vegan foods often have nuts in them and sure enough, they’ve shared the adult menu with me and it contains just about every nut you could think of!
They said they’ve spoken to the caterers and they can plan the kid's menu around my girl’s allergies.
I would like them to go further and put a sign by the food saying “Some guest have nut allergies so please use hand sanitizer after eating”, however, my brother and his bride have refused to do this.
I feel like my kid’s allergens will be everywhere, and that they’re in danger. I wish my brother would change the menu.
Am I being irrational? Should I expect them to change the menu to accommodate my kid's food allergies? Is there anything I could do differently?
Ok, friends, judging by the internet comments that this question received, this is a DOOZY. Today, I want to dive deeper and see if we can shed some light on a very charged question.
Let’s get to it!
I usually stay out of Facebook Groups for the most part, but every once in a while I see a question online that I JUST have to answer. Usually it’s because the current answer people give is either extremely fear-filled or negative.
I used to jump in and with my charged opinions, but as I’ve shall I say “matured:, I’ve changed my approach.
I’m not perfect, but I now try to handle these things with a calm and kind approach, and instead of focusing on the scary, I like to shed some light on things that people may not have thought of before.
So thats what I hope to do today.
This particular question was receiving extremely fear-based and negative based answers. Which is why I just couldn’t resist picking this for a podcast episode.
I also think this is a common question about weddings in general and how to handle them, and so by the end of this, I hope to give you 3 things you need to focus on to see if the next wedding invite you get will work for you and your family.
Let’s start with a fact.
First of all, I want everyone to know that hand sanitizer does not remove allergens. So the sign asking people to use hand sanitizer wouldn’t help the situation in any way. Instead, to remove allergens, people need to wash their hands, or use a wipe. Of course, soap and water are BEST, but wipes are the second best option.
Now that we’ve set the record straight on that,, I want to break down this problem a little more.
First, this is an extremely emotional problem. Especially since the groom is the brother to the mom of the food allergy child.
This part is where it feels like the groom (her brother) and the bride don’t care about the nieces because they seem to be willingly exposing the kids to their allergens, and it seems like it can be avoided.
Not only that, but it feels like it’s just food and food allergies are fatal. If you think of it this way, the fact that the bride and groom are choosing this menu seems insensitive.
These are all good points, and I agree.
But there are 2 sides to every story, and we don’t actually know the Bride and Groom’s side, but I think it’s important to look at everything to make a good decision.
First, they are vegan, which means they have a commitment to eating a certain way, which happens to usually include nuts.
Second, This is a day that is focused mainly on the Bride and Groom, but there’s often so many dynamics going into a wedding. For example, the bride and groom may be getting pressure from others about their menu, maybe grandma and grandpa don’t agree with Veganism OR maybe their parents don’t like their choice. We don’t know what is happening behind the scenes, and maybe they’ve just decided they’re done with all the pressure, and now they’ve just decided not to accommodate anyone. I mean, we just don’t know, and so we have to try and keep an open mind.
Remember, they did agreed to make the kids’ menu fully allergy-friendly, which is great, and we’ll go through this more in a bit.
So there are a lot of nuances here. There are a lot of emotions and a lot of the other side of the story we don’t see. So, I honestly don’t think I can comment on whether the brother should change his wedding menu because we just don’t know the other side of the story.
BUT what I CAN do is look at the food allergy side of this to help you decide if the next wedding you’re invited to is right for your family.
And so let’s talk about the food allergy side of this.
Food Allergy Resources For Life - Going To A Wedding
When you get that wedding invite, you may have a lot of questions and doubts. Can you bring your food allergy child to an event like this? What is involved? What is needed to do this safely?
So first, I want to chat about when you’re in the touching and mouthing stage. My youngest daughter went through this for what seemed like forever. I don’t think she stopped until she was 4 or 5. I notice that the youngest in this case is 1, and it immediately makes me wonder if she is in the touching and mouthing stage. If so, it makes this whole thing harder. If you have a child in the touching and mouthing stage,, I want you to listen to another episode I did about birthday parties. There’s a whole section about the “touching and mouthing stage.’ It’s episode #11. I’ll post a link in the show notes.
When kids are in that “touching and mouthing” stage, it can make events with allergens much harder. Not impossible, but harder. It means watching very closely, and frankly, when you’re at a wedding, you may just feel like it isn’t doable, and that’s fair! In this case, it might mean leaving kids at home, if possible, or getting help to watch your little very closely while at the event.
So, I want to acknowledge that stage right off the bat.
But, I also want to talk about not letting fear drive our decisions, and instead looking at things realistically, and taking the fear-based thoughts captive. Because fear can really fool us into thinking that things aren’t doable, or are too scary.
STEP ONE: With that in mind, lets start by breaking down the perceived risk of this event, vs. the REAL risk.
The woman asking the question makes a comment that shows her perceived risk. And this is a very real fear, and I’m not diminishing it. I just hope that instead of spreading a fear-based narrative, we are instead using our rational minds to take fear-based thoughts captive and look at the facts when we are faced with a situation like this.
She says that allergens will be everywhere, which will put her kids in danger. But is this true? Let’s break it down.
Yes, there will be nuts on the adult plates, but in reality, nuts won’t be everywhere. Being at a wedding means that people will be careful not to drop food, and they won’t likely eat their fancy meal with their hands, so the nuts should MOSTLY stay on the plate.
Even if there is a buffet, the nuts will likely stay near the floor of the buffet, and on people’s plates. Yes, people may step on a nut and track it to other places, BUT, the nuts will likely stay on the floor.
THAT SAID.
If the kids meals had nuts or allergens in it as well, I would worry about allergens getting around more since kids tend to touch their food and spread allergens around much more than adults. But that isn’t the case since they said they would make the kid’s menu fully nut-free. That’s in important distinction. Not only that, but because this is a wedding, kids will tend to get cleaned up quicker than say at a kids’ birthday party for example.
So by looking at what is true, and realizing that nuts are not actually EVERYWHERE we can start to see this in a more rational way, and see that the actual risk may be lower than we originally perceived it to be.
STEP 2:
So now, lets talk about what we can control in this situation. By looking at what we can control, we can see if this is doable for us or NOT.
Things that can be controlled:
How much the kids are supervised. It’s important to watch for things like: touching an adult’s plate, grabbing other people’s napkins who may have wiped their face or hands on the napkin, picking things up from the floor, and people kissing your kids after eating.
The food your child eats. I know they have said that the caterer will be providing nut-free food to the kids, BUT does the caterer truly understand how to navigate cross-contact? Are they using good allergy practices? It will be important to talk with the caterer to see what they do to ensure this is safe. IF it doesn’t seem like they have competent allergy procedures, THEN, it would be best if they brought safe food for their kids. Or fed them in advance, or do something else that works for the family.
Family and friends who hold and want to kiss your kids after eating may prove to be one of the biggest problems. It would be important to come up with a response about why they can’t kiss your kids after eating their allergen BEFORE the wedding so you’re ready.
STEP 3:
Now that we’ve thought through the real risk vs. the perceived risk AND listed out the things you can control to make it a safer environment for your child, you can NOW decide if this event is right for your family. Remember, that there’s no right or wrong answer. If you don’t think you can do everything you need to do to keep your child safe, then it might not be right for you. That’s OK!
A couple of questions to help you decide if this is manageable are::
Is it possible to manage everything that I can control, or will I be too distracted to do it well? Is there someone that can help at the event? Are there alternate arrangements that can be made, like leaving the kids with someone?
Answering these questions will help you make the final decision about whether this wedding is right for your family.
Conclusion
So let’s boil it all down, and recap the steps to decide if attending the wedding is doable for your family.
Focusing on truth and using that to discern the real risk vs. perceived risk,
2. Listing what you can control, and
3. Use the answers to steps 1 and 2 to decide whether the wedding or event is doable for your family.
Remember, There will always be allergens around, at any event or even when you go to the mall, park or swimming pool. Before we react in an emotionally charged way, it’s important to focus on these 3 steps so you’re not making decisions based on fear.
If you’re struggling with getting friends and family to understand how serious food allergies are, I highly recommend the Get People to Take Food Allergies Seriously Workshop. Not only will you get a new approach for explaining food allergies, but you’ll also get verbal and written templates that help you explain food allergies clearly and calmly.
There’s even a template that explains why people can’t kiss your child after eating their allergens! I’ll post a link to that in the show notes.
I hope this helps you to feel more confident and knowledgeable about things you can control that will help keep your kids safe.
